Work Connexions

We are planning to publish next month in our magazine, a couple of pages devoted to the funniest stories that have happened at work. Be that people turning up in a strange costume or just different customs. Any situations that have made you laugh. Tell us about them, we promise not to laugh too much :-)

I actually heard this from somebody else. There were two colleagues putting shelving up in the basement of their offices. When  the receptionist shouts down 'What are you doing?' One of colleagues yelled back 'we are screwing togather, why?'

I thought this would be full of stories, maybe people do not have so much fun at work these days.... all work and no play.

haha i like the screwing together one!

sadly i can't think of any funny stories from well that's not completly true butno really memorable ones

This morning I was on my way to work and was in a big hurry.

I was preoccupied and I rear-ended a car at a stop light because I was not really paying attention.

I had hot coffee in my lap. "Great, just great", I muttered.

The driver opened his door........leaned out of his car and stared at me.

He was a dwarf.

He got out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked towards me as I rolled down my window.

He said, "I'm not happy"...

To which I replied, "Well..... which one are you then?

I got this from a friend but I thought it belonged here:

These are from actual resumes:

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

EXCUSES FOR NOT GOING IN WORK. Actually given to major employers in the UK.

· "I'm too drunk to drive to work."

· "I accidentally flushed my keys down the toilet."

· "I had to help deliver a baby on my way to work." (Employee was not in the medical profession.)

· "I accidentally drove through the automatic garage door before it opened."

· "My boyfriend's snake escaped from its cage and I'm afraid to leave the bedroom until he gets home."

· "I'm too fat to get into my work outfit."

· "God didn't wake me." (Employee didn't believe in alarm clocks and thought a higher power would wake her when she was ready.)

· "I cut my fingernails too short, they're bleeding and I have to go to the doctor."

· "The ghosts in my house kept me up all night."

· "I forgot I was getting married today."

· "My cow bit me."

· "My son accidentally fell asleep next to wet cement in our garden. His foot fell in and we can't get it out."

· "I was walking down the street watching road works being done, fell in the hole and hurt myself."

· "I was walking my dog and slipped on a toad in my driveway and hurt my back."

· "My house lock jammed, and I'm locked in."